The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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