last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
im holly from the hills drunk
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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