she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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