Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
