I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
