matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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