I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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