Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
