This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
