glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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