when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
