Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
