Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
