you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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