I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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