I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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