I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
