Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
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