Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Dicks are not precious.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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