someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
