No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
