he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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