Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
