You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
