My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
