i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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