and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
