One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
