Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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