jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
