I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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