Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
