fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
