is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
