Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
