I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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