He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
