thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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