um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
