The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
