i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
