Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
