her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I came so hard my ears popped.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
