I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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