Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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