So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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