so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
