you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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