I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
there was a trapeze. enough said
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
