So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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