Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
