it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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