I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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