Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
