Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i will never coherently bang her
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
